9:[2009-01-22t11:50:01]
My psychologist asked me today if I could see myself returning to the rat race. Evoking an off-the-cuff response that had been growing in my mind for days. On my better days I've entertained the possibility of finding my way back. Technically I'm just as skilled as I ever was. Yet a brief encounter that world quickly turned one of my good days into one of my bad days. Showing me for certain how unpleasant it could be. Showing me why it is that I can never go back. It was easy to tell my psychologist this. The hard part for me is to find deeper understanding without loosing my equilibrium. To learn the lessons of my past. If can't go back I can evolve. Find another way. And so I find myself evoking the past looking for the person from the time before. The person logic tells me I was. Searching for the differences to explain what's changed.
There's a lot of dissonance in my mind right now. I find myself being pushed into realities that appear ever so slightly odd. It's as if my world is aligning itself to evoke the correct response. Such a thing is not uncommon. I'm somewhat used to it. A silent symptom none can assist me with because it's nothing they've ever experienced. It leaves me feeling trapped. Forever the outsider. Welcome to step inside, if only I could forget. When I do forget it is only on the surface. Deep down it's always there. Surfacing from time to time to assert itself until I grant it recognition. Now I find it's only by sharing that I may become its master. Discovering how wrong I was to repress it, for that grants it power over me.
I felt it this morning. That nameless something which lives in my soul. The thing which spins my mind around points in time and space. Filling my mind with memories I no longer recognize as being mine. If I could speak it's name I would render it powerless. Yet how can I name it when I can't even describe it. Attempts to use analogies and metaphors mostly fall on deaf ears. My words become the evidence to prove my illness. Few hear the meaning behind them. So let me share with you an insight. A simple metaphor designed to avoid long descriptions. Something which may perhaps grant you insight into me.
Imagine all you think you know about the human condition is wrong. That deep down where your concept of self resides there's but one single fundamental that defines what you are and how you interact with your reality. Are you a cat, or are you a dog? At first you may not see how important this fundamental is. Interpreting it as the insane utterings of a crazy fool. But if this is so then you are falling into a trap. The trap of allowing your senses to hand you assumptions that cannot be verified. Simply because things appear the same does not mean they are the same.
Watch a good documentary on the life of Tigers then follow it with one on the Wolf. Both creatures may look similar. Behaviourally and socially, however, they are very very different. Now look at the world around you. Watch the interactions between the people you see. At first you may not see much. In the adult world there is much which is displaced, concensus insists we are all the same, society therefore requires masks to be worn. So ignore adult interactions for the moment. Concentrate your attention on the interactions between parents and children. It won't take long before you begin to see the behavioural differences. The things which allow you to differentiate cats from dogs. It's probably nothing more than what kind of pet the parent had as a child. A temprement thing. The way authority is projected. The way dischord gets remedied. Something you wouldn't notice unless somebody told you to look.
Now imagine I was a cat. Lived amongst other cats. The epitome of average cat existence. I was only dimly aware of what I was. Just as I was only dimly aware of the existence of dogs. It was all just part of the way things just were. And things that just are fade into the background. Then something knocked me sideways. When I came to my senses both the world and I still appeared to be the same. But now I was a dog. A fundamental shift in my perception that changed me in ways I can't begin to describe. Even though the people around me said little I could see they had noticed I the change. Was I always different and repressed it, or did something actually change. Whatever the truth it had serious effect on the parameters of my existence.
Of course, I'm not a dog. I'm not even talking of cats & dogs. That's a synthetic duality, and I'm not even discussing dualistic entities. I'm talking about something else entirely. I wonder if you have sufficient insight to guess what it is.
8:[2009-01-28t23:11:01]
"Shades of Grey"
I'm beginning to see things again. Reality for me has shifted somewhat. I'm not hallucinating. For if you were sat here with me your eyes would see the same images as mine. What I'm beginning to see is a change in the way reality presents itself to me. With a corresponding change in the way I present myself to that reality. It's happened before. And will no doubt happen again.
I see time as a loop. Patterns of causality repeating over and over. Something masked by life in a higher dimension which presents an illusion of linear time. Right now it feels as if reality is nothing but apparent order in chaos. Echoes from the moment of creation resonating within an infinity an order of magnitude greater than you can possibly imagine.
I slide through different dimensions. In each dimension the realities of existence are slightly different. Even the people are different. Yet I was raised to believe in the one. That there was but one world, one view, one reality. Now I find this is not the case. In this discovery I see how much I once knew to be true is completely and utterly wrong.
I was born to be alone. Now I find this can never be. I may never be alone. Had I grown knowing this the knowledge would have become an innate part of me. Integrated into my sense of self it would hardly be worthy of comment. Yet I grew knowing other things. Things which are at odds with who and what I am. Now I discover so much I must unlearn. A thing which is harder than you can possibly imagine.
I have no fixed perception of reality where once one was apparent there is now only reflections. I can hold state for a time. Yet even that fades quickly when parameters change drasticaslly. Then language breaks down when I begin to explain what just happened. There's a difference between being allowed to know and being allowed to tell. All I can do is hold still, do nothing, just be. Wait for a new reality to resolve around me.
I see patterns which overlay the world. A complexity my unconscious has decoded. Something held in mind just out of view. A remembered palette of simple of models to allow my conscious to access this higher order. Allowing me to watch within the minds of those who fall into an expanding canvas of grey. A defence. Something I do to avoid looking at that which once directed my destiny.
I exist in a place which makes little sense. A place where there are very few who reveal theselves to me. Those I do meet hide me behind my former existence then look to me to enter into their delusions. Something I am willing to do where others are not. Entering into the worlds of others as a way to connect. Yet in doing this I loose the ability to express that which troubles me.
I have to consider sometimes if what I see in me is really me. That perhaps what I find myself expressing is displaced from the minds surrounding me. As if I can see and express things hidden in a place outside of self. The things you don't even admit to your self. Experiences which conflict with your personal vision of what is and is not. Things displaced into me because I lack the ability to ask you not to.